For Eddie

When I was fourteen I lost my closest friend who was just fifteen. What happened to him and why he died I do not know. Why I have such gaps in my memory I am just beginning to realize. But I am driven to make sure that he is remembered. Not the sadness that darkened my life. But just my friend.

I remember that as a child I set all my memories aside. I was terrified. I was afraid that I had to protect Eddie even in Heaven…that I had to protect even God.

It was the summer after my 7th grade and my family was out of town and I was sleeping at a neighbors. And all I remember was sitting with Eddie in our playroom curled up on a desk watching an old black and white TV. And being so much in awe that a boy two school years ahead of me wanted to hang out with me.

I leave what happened in the vagueness of those shades of memories. And I hold him inside in ways I can never explain and want to so much. He has brought healing and kindness in my soul. Sometimes someone can be credited with saving a life. Eddie has saved my soul.

Shakespeare created life in Romeo and Juliet. They seem to be real people that existed in time to us.

He merely breathed life into them through his words and they were of the same breath, and that breath belongs to the reader. And in these words and in my actions in my life, I hope to keep Eddie alive in this world as he is in the next, forever.

I believe we carry in our hearts an image of Heaven of the memories of all of those who have gone before us. And that somewhere in my past of Six Degrees of Separation is someone who knew someone who knew someone who once touched the kindness of Christ and marveled at His beauty. And my prayer now is that through me…you will have the opportunity to see someone so precious in how he has affected me.

I only know that we hung out that summer and that they moved at the end of the summer and that he ran away and it was not until three years ago that I was told that he had died in his teens. I only know that I cared for him and that I have always been graced with a presence. And to me that presence is Eddie.

Sometimes I marvel. Imagine a boy so striking that I have lost almost all my childhood memories for 35 years. And yet I remember him. And not the terrible stuff. Just Eddie.

And if I have lost anything in my life. God has granted me so much more than anyone else… that I could not have lived without knowing him.

Others have to rely on Faith. In Eddie God granted me Certainty.

And sometimes I feel so much that if I just express how much of God I saw in him…if I could just show you…than maybe this world would heal too.

In every Saint is a past. And in every Sinner is a future.


Too Many Ideas From Movies

Tonight I confirmed my memories for the first time. I was not able to find documentation to confirm Eddie’s death in ’75 because he would have died at the age of fifteen before getting a SSN. I now remember, and have less doubts in my memories. I suffer from Borderline and PTSD and DID overlaid with Bi-Polar Depressive type. I was hurt severally. My memories have drawn me to the conclusion that I was hurt in August in his brother’s bedroom and that they quickly moved out of state. Eddie stole a car and returned. I believe he died in November around the 11th in 1975. I have known for years that one of the men, who I believe was abusing us, his mother passed away around the same time from a massive heart attack at 55. Although I will never be able to confirm by death certificate the time of Eddie’s death I was able to confirm the woman’s death on November 20th 1975. I found her death certificate and I know why she died. I have spent 5 years trying to figure out what happened. I know the reasons why nothing was done. And I know why no one has responded. I never wanted anyone prosecuted 35 years later based on my memories. I only wanted to make sure that others who were hurt were cared for. No one deserves this silence. I want someone to acknowledge to them that their memories no longer have to hide. It is not fair.

I have reported this and I have seen things that indicate that there are those who are concerned and I want so much to trust in them otherwise for me this world is too dark. I do believe that Eddie died from the abuse we were suffering. And I have seen a darkness in this world that only God can remedy. I once set aside my memories to protect Eddie in Heaven, in that those who hurt him I felt – and still do – that they are that bad that I had to protect even God. My life has been filled with darkness that will never ease. I only wanted to change this world for him.

And now this world can deal with itself. I want to spend a good thirty years with Eddie playing my music. He is a testament of how inspiring he is that he survived in my heart for so many years. He has cleansed my soul. And my time will become time spent with how much in awe I am of him.

And Eddie I pray I did right for you. Each word I struggle with, with so much weight attached. I hope someday that this Blog contains the music I will play for you and becomes not just a tribute to a boy who never got to grow up…but to a celebration of the kindness of one of God’s most beloved Angels.


Too Many Romeos and Juliets

I post mostly, on here, subjects which do not relate to Eddie in the past and present, because I have very little of the past I remember. But mostly because I feel I can only show you what I feel of Eddie by sharing my own past and opinions.

I am disabled. I live $3,000 below the poverty level in one of the poorest states. I live well because I have many things. I have saved my money. I have no car. For appointments and groceries and errands for my parents I use their car. I live in subsidized housing.

I live off the kindness of others. I paid into SSDI and I view it as Disability Insurance that I have earned. But in the safety net that my country provides for those less fortunate…it makes me proud that this country cares enough for even the least. I live off the kindness of others. And when I have a meal I say a prayer to God after I eat so I can feel the gratitude.

I spend most of my money on food now. I have nice furniture, a piano keyboard, a guitar, and a nice computer that I have built, and a real nice TV that I use as a monitor.

I have in the past done computer work in return for computer parts. With those parts I have built over 20 computers for my friends who have less than I.

I live better than most my friends. But I have little to do but work on my Blog and my music.

I believe that I carry in my heart secrets no man should ever have to carry in silence for so long.

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